Unsteady

Link: X Ambassadors- Unsteady
I first heard this song before I had an official diagnosis of depression and anxiety. I loved it immediately and played it for my husband, mom, dad, and basically anyone that wanted me to play a song for them via the internets. (yes, i said internets plural)
I really liked the song for multiple reasons, the sound, the lead vocalist, the style of the song, but mostly the message. This song conveys my feelings on a regular basis, "Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady." Struggling with a mental illness is not only hard on me, it's hard on my loved ones. Knowing that fact makes it even harder for me to deal with my bad days because I see how it affects my patient husband and I watch him take care of me despite my bad mood and I don't feel like I deserve the love and help.
It might be easy to understand why I feel unsteady when someone is looking in from the outside but for me, as I'm experiencing the pain and fear, I have a hard time understanding it. Why am I so fragile? Why is it so hard to handle situations by myself? I used to be able to handle them just fine. Now, many days I feel lonely and sad even when I have a whole army of a family behind me. Cheering me on and having my back, they don't ask questions and don't judge the weakness I see in myself so painfully clearly.
So yes, I'm unsteady. Yes, I have days that I cry at the slightest sad thought. I don't think that its far from the truth to say that everyone has experienced days like that to a degree. Since God knew that we would have hardships like this, He gave us countless advocates. Our Savior being our greatest advocate has felt the fear, loneliness, and sadness I feel on those days and He overcame them. And despite him being the Son of God, perfect in every way, He even had an angel comfort Him in His hour of need. (Luke 22:39-45) If Christ, the Son of God, King of Kings, received help and strength from an outside source, it would be quite self-absorbed to think that I don't need help in my time  of need.
I know God knows my struggles and sees my weakness and loves me still. I don't always remember that when I'm in my bad days but as I type this up, I can recognize that love. I can even see His hand in my trials.

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Three weeks ago, I went in to see my doctor. I really hate going to the doctor. I have chronic stomach problems and when it gets really bad and I want answers, all of the tests come back clean and make me feel crazy. Which is a good lead in for what I really want to talk about. I finally went in to talk to my doctor. I have pushed aside my feeling of "crazy" for almost two years. Realistically as I am looking back, I have pushed it off for a lot longer than that but in my defense, I didn't know what was going on. 

Growing up, I was very driven. I was self motivated and involved in so many extracurricular activities that I have a hard time keeping track of them all. I got good grades, I did well in sports, I was a student body officer, etc. etc. etc. Moral of the story, I was good at accomplishing things. So when I got home from my mission and started really struggling socially and academically, I didn't really understand. A lot of these insecurities were there before but I didn't notice them this bad. 

After a short time, I fell in love and Steven and I decided to get married so when I kept struggling, I blamed it on the birth control pills and the stress of wedding planning. Over the past year and a half of marriage, I have battled even more, my insecurities, getting so nervous before tests that I would make myself sick, really bad days, nights of sleeplessness, weeks of stress where I avoided food because it made my stomach churn, and many other horrible feelings that shouldn't be around when you are happily married and doing well in life. 

Since I could recognize that my life was good and that Steven was such a blessing, I began to wonder what was wrong with my brain. Why on earth do I feel unloved? Why do I have suicidal thoughts? Why can't the doctors find anything wrong with my stomach when I have lost twenty pounds? Why can't I just be happy? 

When the bad stretches would come, I would sob in Steven's arms and ask him what was wrong with me. He didn't have the answer but kept encouraging me to go talk to someone. He was so patient with me as I struggled day by day, week by week, month by month, and even now, a year and a half into our marriage.

This fall, a friend of Steven's from high school committed suicide. It was so sudden from the outside looking in. I heard comments like, "How could he think that was the answer?" I think that I even made a similar comment to my dad. But when I was alone, I admitted to myself that on my bad days, the thought had crossed my mind, "It might be better if I wasn't here anymore."

I had an "Ah-ha" moment around that time. If I am having similar thoughts, I need to get help. I talked to Steven about what to do. That's when I finally bit the bullet. 

I cried to my doctor. I told her that so many things lined up. It made sense why we couldn't find anything wrong with my stomach because it was inflicted by my brain. I didn't want to live this way anymore because I don't feel like myself. After I cried, and she sincerely listened and commented. We reached the conclusion that there is a fine line between depression and anxiety. I deal with both. It doesn't mean I will be at a disadvantage for the rest of my life with the dark cloud of depression hanging over. I can do something about it. My fears are caused by a chemical imbalance. It doesn't mean I'm crazy. My feelings are not made up. The anxiety or depression side of my brain takes over sometimes and feeds my brain lies and partial truths. 

I sat in my first counceling session two weeks ago and learned that I have to separate when MY brain is talking and when the anxiety or depression is talking. 

This is a new adventure for me. Just because I learned that in my first session doesn't mean that its easy to draw that line. In the moment that I hear a thought in my head, I can only think that its my brain talking. I am learning as I go. I am talking to my husband and sharing my thoughts and feelings. This blog is going to be part of my therapy. My journal. I want to share whats going on in my mind because before I realized I had this problem, I didn't understand what goes on in someone else's mind. So peek into mine. 

I know God never gives us feelings of fear. He wants us to feel His love. He wants us to see our potential and our power. He is on our side.