I have struggled with how to talk to my loved ones about this for quite a while now. I wanted to avoid the issue for a long time but I realized that it wasn't fair to Steven for me to keep it in and after talking to my therapist about it, he said that it is better for me to have it out in the open.
In November I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. There it is, that's the truth. I hate it, but I have suspected that this was my problem for quite a while. I have tried to deal with it on my own, thinking that I just had to push through. After one of Steven's friends committed suicide last year, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because I knew that a situation like that isn't fair to the family. On my logical days I understand that suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" or at least that's what I have been told. On the other hand, after bad days and weeks, my chemically imbalanced brain tricks me into thinking that everyone's lives would be better without me. Ridiculous, right? I know, it really is.
So now to address the elephant in the room, why I have been avoiding this conversation with those I love. It is plain and simple. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to be treated differently. I don't want to feel fragile or weak. I have been dealing with this chemical imbalance on and off for a good portion of my life and I have known for a long time that mental illness runs in my family. Just because I decided to officially have it diagnosed by a medical professional doesn't mean that it is new. It just means that I can stop wondering if I'm crazy or overreacting. I can face the fact that I deal with anxiety and depression.
As I mentioned, I want you to know for a few reasons. The first reason is for Steven. After talking with a doctor and a therapist, I talked to my parent's and a select other people out of necessity. I got to choose who I told and Steven got to listen to me as I struggled with it. After a month or so I started to realize that while I had Steven to confide in, I didn't allow him the freedom to confide in anyone else because I told him I didn't want people to know. This trial isn't just mine, it's Steven's trial as well. He needs support just like I do.
The next reason came from a therapy session in January. I discussed how I hated feeling trapped by my anxiety. I was embarrassed about a specific experience where I was so nervous about going snowboarding that I made myself sick over it. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of our friends which made the situation worse. My therapist had some profound advice. He told me that anxiety feeds off of shame. When I am too embarrassed to admit that something gives me anxiety, it compounds to the point that I break down. So instead of limiting myself to a select few that I can talk through a situation with, I need to have a network that can support me and give me sound advice to overcome my anxiety.
I am grateful for your love and support. I know that I do have a network of people that love me. I hope that this will help you understand just a little bit of what's going on in my life. If you have questions you can feel free to ask me. I'm still learning and really getting used to this reality. It's the truth, I have anxiety and depression
