The Truth Is...

I have struggled with how to talk to my loved ones about this for quite a while now. I wanted to avoid the issue for a long time but I realized that it wasn't fair to Steven for me to keep it in and after talking to my therapist about it, he said that it is better for me to have it out in the open.

In November I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. There it is, that's the truth. I hate it, but I have suspected that this was my problem for quite a while. I have tried to deal with it on my own, thinking that I just had to push through. After one of Steven's friends committed suicide last year, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because I knew that a situation like that isn't fair to the family. On my logical days I understand that suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" or at least that's what I have been told. On the other hand, after bad days and weeks, my chemically imbalanced brain tricks me into thinking that everyone's lives would be better without me. Ridiculous, right? I know, it really is.

So now to address the elephant in the room, why I have been avoiding this conversation with those I love. It is plain and simple. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to be treated differently. I don't want to feel fragile or weak. I have been dealing with this chemical imbalance on and off for a good portion of my life and I have known for a long time that mental illness runs in my family. Just because I decided to officially have it diagnosed by a medical professional doesn't mean that it is new. It just means that I can stop wondering if I'm crazy or overreacting. I can face the fact that I deal with anxiety and depression.

As I mentioned, I want you to know for a few reasons. The first reason is for Steven. After talking with a doctor and a therapist, I talked to my parent's and a select other people out of necessity. I got to choose who I told and Steven got to listen to me as I struggled with it. After a month or so I started to realize that while I had Steven to confide in, I didn't allow him the freedom to confide in anyone else because I told him I didn't want people to know. This trial isn't just mine, it's Steven's trial as well. He needs support just like I do.

The next reason came from a therapy session in January. I discussed how I hated feeling trapped by my anxiety. I was embarrassed about a specific experience where I was so nervous about going snowboarding that I made myself sick over it. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of our friends which made the situation worse. My therapist had some profound advice. He told me that anxiety feeds off of shame. When I am too embarrassed to admit that something gives me anxiety, it compounds to the point that I break down. So instead of limiting myself to a select few that I can talk through a situation with, I need to have a network that can support me and give me sound advice to overcome my anxiety.

I am grateful for your love and support. I know that I do have a network of people that love me. I hope that this will help you understand just a little bit of what's going on in my life. If you have questions you can feel free to ask me. I'm still learning and really getting used to this reality. It's the truth, I have anxiety and depression

Unsteady

Link: X Ambassadors- Unsteady
I first heard this song before I had an official diagnosis of depression and anxiety. I loved it immediately and played it for my husband, mom, dad, and basically anyone that wanted me to play a song for them via the internets. (yes, i said internets plural)
I really liked the song for multiple reasons, the sound, the lead vocalist, the style of the song, but mostly the message. This song conveys my feelings on a regular basis, "Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady." Struggling with a mental illness is not only hard on me, it's hard on my loved ones. Knowing that fact makes it even harder for me to deal with my bad days because I see how it affects my patient husband and I watch him take care of me despite my bad mood and I don't feel like I deserve the love and help.
It might be easy to understand why I feel unsteady when someone is looking in from the outside but for me, as I'm experiencing the pain and fear, I have a hard time understanding it. Why am I so fragile? Why is it so hard to handle situations by myself? I used to be able to handle them just fine. Now, many days I feel lonely and sad even when I have a whole army of a family behind me. Cheering me on and having my back, they don't ask questions and don't judge the weakness I see in myself so painfully clearly.
So yes, I'm unsteady. Yes, I have days that I cry at the slightest sad thought. I don't think that its far from the truth to say that everyone has experienced days like that to a degree. Since God knew that we would have hardships like this, He gave us countless advocates. Our Savior being our greatest advocate has felt the fear, loneliness, and sadness I feel on those days and He overcame them. And despite him being the Son of God, perfect in every way, He even had an angel comfort Him in His hour of need. (Luke 22:39-45) If Christ, the Son of God, King of Kings, received help and strength from an outside source, it would be quite self-absorbed to think that I don't need help in my time  of need.
I know God knows my struggles and sees my weakness and loves me still. I don't always remember that when I'm in my bad days but as I type this up, I can recognize that love. I can even see His hand in my trials.

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Three weeks ago, I went in to see my doctor. I really hate going to the doctor. I have chronic stomach problems and when it gets really bad and I want answers, all of the tests come back clean and make me feel crazy. Which is a good lead in for what I really want to talk about. I finally went in to talk to my doctor. I have pushed aside my feeling of "crazy" for almost two years. Realistically as I am looking back, I have pushed it off for a lot longer than that but in my defense, I didn't know what was going on. 

Growing up, I was very driven. I was self motivated and involved in so many extracurricular activities that I have a hard time keeping track of them all. I got good grades, I did well in sports, I was a student body officer, etc. etc. etc. Moral of the story, I was good at accomplishing things. So when I got home from my mission and started really struggling socially and academically, I didn't really understand. A lot of these insecurities were there before but I didn't notice them this bad. 

After a short time, I fell in love and Steven and I decided to get married so when I kept struggling, I blamed it on the birth control pills and the stress of wedding planning. Over the past year and a half of marriage, I have battled even more, my insecurities, getting so nervous before tests that I would make myself sick, really bad days, nights of sleeplessness, weeks of stress where I avoided food because it made my stomach churn, and many other horrible feelings that shouldn't be around when you are happily married and doing well in life. 

Since I could recognize that my life was good and that Steven was such a blessing, I began to wonder what was wrong with my brain. Why on earth do I feel unloved? Why do I have suicidal thoughts? Why can't the doctors find anything wrong with my stomach when I have lost twenty pounds? Why can't I just be happy? 

When the bad stretches would come, I would sob in Steven's arms and ask him what was wrong with me. He didn't have the answer but kept encouraging me to go talk to someone. He was so patient with me as I struggled day by day, week by week, month by month, and even now, a year and a half into our marriage.

This fall, a friend of Steven's from high school committed suicide. It was so sudden from the outside looking in. I heard comments like, "How could he think that was the answer?" I think that I even made a similar comment to my dad. But when I was alone, I admitted to myself that on my bad days, the thought had crossed my mind, "It might be better if I wasn't here anymore."

I had an "Ah-ha" moment around that time. If I am having similar thoughts, I need to get help. I talked to Steven about what to do. That's when I finally bit the bullet. 

I cried to my doctor. I told her that so many things lined up. It made sense why we couldn't find anything wrong with my stomach because it was inflicted by my brain. I didn't want to live this way anymore because I don't feel like myself. After I cried, and she sincerely listened and commented. We reached the conclusion that there is a fine line between depression and anxiety. I deal with both. It doesn't mean I will be at a disadvantage for the rest of my life with the dark cloud of depression hanging over. I can do something about it. My fears are caused by a chemical imbalance. It doesn't mean I'm crazy. My feelings are not made up. The anxiety or depression side of my brain takes over sometimes and feeds my brain lies and partial truths. 

I sat in my first counceling session two weeks ago and learned that I have to separate when MY brain is talking and when the anxiety or depression is talking. 

This is a new adventure for me. Just because I learned that in my first session doesn't mean that its easy to draw that line. In the moment that I hear a thought in my head, I can only think that its my brain talking. I am learning as I go. I am talking to my husband and sharing my thoughts and feelings. This blog is going to be part of my therapy. My journal. I want to share whats going on in my mind because before I realized I had this problem, I didn't understand what goes on in someone else's mind. So peek into mine. 

I know God never gives us feelings of fear. He wants us to feel His love. He wants us to see our potential and our power. He is on our side.

 

Chitwan

Our first week of real live volunteering has come to a close! It's officially the sabbath here (Saturday's are the holy day) and it has been an exhausting week. 

We rode a bus from Kathmandu for 5 hours on Monday. As we started our descent on the other side of the mountains that surround Kathmandu, I realized that we were in for one heck of a ride. We were in a big tour bus and the winding mountain road resembled something that I saw on a TV show that had a title something like "world's most dangerous roads". Not only were we a big vehicle but the majority of the vehicles that we passed were big vehicles, too. We passed large semi trucks and other tour buses that were headed toward the Kathmandu Valley and many times, I held my breath as they skimmed passed us inches from the side of our bus. We had brave motorcyclists passing us around corners and we have learned that in Nepal, horns don't just signify annoyance but they use it as a warning, "I'm coming around this giant bus so don't run into me!" It was really an interesting experience but we saw many amazing views along the way. 

We got to meet our wonderful host family once we got here. We're actually about 10km out of Chitwan and closer to a little city called Rampur. We are staying in a rural place with our host family the Dawadi Family. The father works in the orphanage's plant nursery with us. 

In the mornings, we go and work in the nursery/garden that supplies vegetables for the orphanage. We have been weeding and planting and sweating like crazy. It's very hot here! 

Because it is so hot, we only work from 7-10 am and then go back for a "dhal-batt" (rice and lentil soup) break from 10-4:30. At 4:30 we go to the orphanage and spend a few hours with the children. They are so funny!! 

The first day, one of the little girls that sat around Steven said, "you know borokobomo?" He asked what she said and she repeated herself. He asked if that was a place and looked at me to see if I understood and I just shook my head and shrugged. Frustrated, the girl slowly pronounced it again, "Barack Obama!!" Ohhhh! Steven nodded and said that of course he did. The little girl looked at him straight faced and said, "Barack Obama is my grandfatha!" Steven looked at her for a minute and then started laughing and told her she was such a joker. She tried to convince him but when it wasn't doing any good she finally started laughing. 

The kids are always trying to pull one over on us telling us lies to see if we'll fall for it. We help them with homework and just hang out with them. The older boys all love soccer so Steven gets along well with them. Really he gets along with all of them. The kids will sit around him and ask him to do the "guitar! Guitar!" Then, he'll play his air guitar and make noises and a lot of the girls laugh and laugh and tell him that he is "comedy boy" 

We are loving our experiences. We always hope and pray for some cool weather to cool us off and we pray for the rats, insects and giant spiders to leave us alone. (Especially me on that last one. I didn't realize that I was so squeamish!!)

Thanks for all of the love and concern. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers! 

Namaste!!

Namaste!

We have officially arrived in Kathmandu, Nepal! I can't tell you how many mixed emotions I had when we landed. I'm sure my mom could tell you I sounded terrified on the phone as we drove the dark streets to our hostile. Our driver took us the long way to show us some of the destruction from the earthquakes. We saw nine story buildings that were now piles of debris, empty lots housing 1,000+ tents and lean-to's, broken roads, stray dogs and piles and piles of brick and rubble.

We got to talk to our country coordinator during and after breakfast. He told us about what happened when the first earthquake hit and then the second. Another lady sat and talked to us and she told us her story, too. She was on the roof of a building when it hit. She said that she would have just ducked under the table but she watched as the building right next to hers crumbled and so she started running down. It was a good thing she did because later, she found out that the roof had caved in to the kitchens below it. After breakfast we got to go and walk around the local streets. I can already tell the difference between here and China. Since Nepal is such a tourism driven country, most people know at least simple English so it's not hard to get around. Everyone is very happy here. People still stare at us until after we pass and the little kids all love to stop and talk to us in English. Their English is very proper but they don't understand everything we say. Right before we turned back down our little winding alley, we got stopped on a corner by a little group of well dressed people that were gathered around a car covered in flowers. We realized it was a marriage ceremony and stopped to watch. It was right in the corner of a busy street with many cars honking as they passed but they must be used to it. 

After our language study, we went outside because it's cooler outside than it is inside our hostile. Steven took his soccer ball to juggle and of course you can imagine the little crowd of kids that attracted. They all wanted to play monkey in the middle and when the little ones got tired of that they came and sat by me on the blanket. Pretty soon one little girl grabbed my phone and started to play with it. She asked for games and when I told her I didn't have any, she soon found my pictures and videos and then my camera and had a lot of fun with that. They loved to see Steven and I show affection and I am sure it's because their culture doesn't seem to show a lot of affection between man and wife. 

After a while, I went back inside to study Nepalese and Steven came in soon after me. As we were sitting there all of a sudden we felt a shaking. At first I thought it was someone below us that had been pounding on the ceiling but as I heard screams I realized it was another aftershock. We hurried out but the shaking was over before we even got outside. It wasn't bad but everyone is so nervous about aftershocks that everyone was in the streets for quite a while, calling loved ones and nervously laughing at the small quake. 

We don't realize how blessed we are until things are gone. Now that we're in a third world country we notice the smallest things that we take for granted.

We're in for quite the adventure. I know it. It's amazing here. The people are special. The food is good. The view is amazing. We are doing well. 

Love y'all tons. 

The Greatest Adventure

Well, I've been home for over 2 months from what was to date, the biggest adventure of my life. My mission was a wonderful experience! I loved the lessons I learned and the amazing people I got to interact with. Since then, so much has happened in my life. So I just want to tell you about my next adventure. The Greatest Adventure. I'm getting married!

To be honest, this adventure started about 7 years ago. I started running cross country and met a boy, I had a crush on him and he had a crush on me. Unfortunately for some reason, both of us thought the other wasn't interested. So in high school we were friends but we both went our separate ways, dating other people and living our lives.

After I got home in December, Steven and I met up and after a little bit of time, went on a date. It was a great first date. He was easy to talk to, he made me laugh, he listened, he was fun, and I really loved everything about the date. After that night, we were drawn to each other constantly. For the first two and a half weeks, there was only one day that we didn't see each other. We talked a lot and surprisingly, we never ran out of things to talk about. As I saw how naturally our relationship was developing, it scared me. I wasn't sure that I was ready for the commitment. I knew that I had to find out what the Lord wanted me to do, so I started praying every night. As I prayed, before I could even think my question, I heard a firm, "No." I guess I dismissed it until Heavenly Father told me louder. I couldn't ignore it anymore and I had to talk to Steven.  I didn't understand. Everything felt so right, Steven was exactly what I wanted. I didn't know how to say it or what it meant but we sat outside the temple and I bawled as I told him that God was telling me no. I felt that it wasn't a no forever but a "No, not right now. There's something else I need you to do."

I was so torn but Steven, was supportive of my decision. He knew that I needed to follow the Spirit, despite our confusion. As we talked, I suddenly had a distinct impression, it told me, "Abby, maybe you need to be gone this summer. I need you to go help someone." Again, clear as a bell, I heard, "humanitarian trip." I dismissed it until Steven and I finished talking. He told me that he would disappear from my life for a while until I was ready and I begged him not to. I sat outside the temple and continued to cry until my mom came to my rescue. As my mom and I talked, she told me about some personal experiences she had had lately and as we talked, I calmed down and came to grips with the fact that I felt like I was going to leave the country for the summer.

I didn't know know where Steven fit in but my mom and I both felt like he needed to be in my life and an active part of my decision about where to serve my humanitarian trip. I was really overwhelmed because in a matter of a few hours, my whole world was turned upside down. I felt like it was right, but I wanted to confirm it in the temple. So, as Steven and I had agreed, we both went to the temple separately to ask. I had my dad come with me and as I sat in the temple, a few things became clear to me. 1. I was definitely supposed to go on a humanitarian trip. 2. I knew that Steven still needed to be a part of my life. 3. I was almost positive I would be going to Nepal. 4. I knew that I was going to marry Steven. (I didn't share that part with him right away :)) as my dad and I left the temple, my dad turned and asked, "do you think that maybe Steven is supposed to go with you?" I hadn't thought about that but it was a possibility.

As Steven and I talked that night, I told him what I felt in the temple and he told me. Everything that we felt connected to each other's answers so it seemed to complete each other. I told him that I felt like he needed to help me decide where I was supposed to go that summer and after a little discussion, we talked about him going as well.

So we started making plans. We applied and slowly things started falling into place. I knew Steven and I were going to get married but I didn't want to push anything, I wanted him to get that answer for himself. One night, after a long day, Steven and I were talking and he asked me what I was thinking. Out of the blue, I asked him what he thought about us getting married before we went to Nepal.

Long story short, we decided that that was the best idea. We knew we were going to get married, it was just a matter of time before we did. So why wait? We both prayed about it and it felt right. This time the Lord said yes. So, we started making plans.

We picked a date, talked to our families, picked out a ring and last night, Steven popped the question. :) it was perfect. I've always had a hard time making decisions in my life, but this one was a no brainer. I said yes :)

I know that this is the Lord's answer for us right now. It's crazy, right? I'm so excited for this adventure. It's going to be a wonderful journey for eternity. 

Faith In Humanity Restored

Today I was grabbing lunch on campus. I got my rice bowl and was standing in line when I noticed something happening in front of me. The boy two people ahead of me was $1.50 short. I had seen him walk in earlier and could tell that he was a little bit slower. As the cashier told him he didn't have enough money, my heart sunk a little as he felt his pockets to find enough. Before I even thought to help him, the kid in front of me asked how much and handed the cashier $2 and then let the boy keep the change. They both walked away separately and I stood there smiling at the interaction I had seen take place. 

 I paid and went to find a table to sit at and I saw the guy that had given the money. I walked over and thanked him for what he did. He shrugged and said it was no problem. I could tell by his response that he hadn't thought twice about helping that boy. It was almost instinctive how quickly he pulled out the cash.

I wish we could all be like that, myself included because i didn't help the kid. I wish I would have. Not matter what we are going through, we can always reach out to help someone in need. Whether at home or abroad, there are opportunities to serve every single day. Each of us has something special that we can contribute to the lives of others. So, no matter what, HELP. REACH OUT. DO SOMETHING MORE. Show God that you love Him and His children, your brothers and Sisters.

This is something that's been on my mind a lot lately. as per recommendation by Steven, I have read "Are We not all Beggars?" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He talks about how even Jesus Christ wa not priviledged in this life. He sat on no throne, he wore no fine clothes, he lived not in a castle, He described himself as homeless. Did Christ let that stop Him from helping others that lacked the pleasures of life? He definitely did not. 

"And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another."

-Mosiah 4:21